A few months ago, I was sitting in a local
restaurant with my family and friends after a long day of working at our horse
back riding stable. Everyone was a little on edge because we were hungry
and tired. We placed our order and began waiting as patiently as we
could, which is often a struggle for my stepson who is mastering life with
ADHD. He ordered a cheese pizza. When the food finally came, he began
to grab his pizza as my husband said, "that is hot!"
Nevertheless, he took a big bite and immediately spit it out and dropped
the piece of pizza, exclaiming, "That burned my mouth!" My
husband said, "I told you it was hot." My stepson replied,
"it's not my fault!" When asked whose fault it was, he replied
in a grave manner, "It's the cheeses's fault!" My husband then
began to speak, but just got up and left the table. He returned a few
minutes later, having a very red face but a much calmer demeanor. He then
talked through the situation with his son . . . and it went well. He
actually took responsibility for burning his own mouth after thinking about how
cheese really can't be at fault. We ended up laughing about it, but it
also got me thinking.
As I spend each day working with young adults who
are trying to become truly independent, this is a common theme. They have
a hard time accepting responsibility for themselves. They can always find
someone or something external to blame for their failures, while they will
happily accept credit for all successes. As I'm riding my horse (my most
mindful time), I contemplate this issue. I have arrived at some
conclusions I thought I would share.
Social Media makes it easier for adolescents and
young adults to NOT be accountable for their actions. Bullies have been around
as long as humans, but in the past 5-10 years, bullying has become a major
problem. I think that being able to hide behind Facebook and Twitter
makes it much easier to say mean things about others. When I was little,
I couldn't communicate with my friends and classmates unless I actually talked
to them, either face to face or via telephone. I didn't have a cell
phone. I didn't have constant connectivity via social media. If I
was upset with someone, I either had to deal with it in person or choose to get
over it. Now, kids can say bad things about each other without ever having
direct contact with the target. They can post negative and mean things on
Facebook and Twitter that they probably would never say in person.
I also worry about texting. If I didn’t text, I'm not sure I would
be able to communicate with my adult children, ages 24 and 19. They text
all the time.... so, I text back. I've been very blessed with two
wonderful and healthy kids, but I still worry about how they manage entire
relationships via text message. There is no way to judge tone of voice or
see body language, so as far as I’m concerned, texting is only partial
communication.
So many of the young adults I work with are unable to self-manage their
electronics – phones, computers, tablets, etc.
They will get caught up in their online lives and activities to the
point that they are unable to engage in their real lives. For many, it is much easier to relate to and
communicate with others through some type of electronic device. There is no pressure to look a certain way or
to wear certain clothes. As Brad Paisley
sings, “I’m so much cooler online.”
I believe that texting and social media are good additions to our
communication repertoire. They are
useful tools, and it is important to teach our children how to use them in a
healthy and balanced way. So…..how do we
do this?
In my daily life at the horseback riding stable, I get the privilege of
providing opportunities for kids of all ages to get away from their urban-based
lifestyles and experience the barn. It’s
so interesting to watch as kids come to the barn and immediately begin touching
everything . . . the horses, the cats, the dogs, the barn itself, the hitching
post. It’s almost like they are starving
for tactile stimulation. And they get
DIRTY! Most parents who bring their kids
to the barn are okay with them enjoying all of the gifts of the barn. They don’t show up with iPhones or iPads to
keep the kids busy. The kids are
completely engulfed in the natural environment.
They come to life while they are there and hate to leave.
If the key is to help our kids have more balanced lives, how do we do
it?
Here’s my advice:
1. Introduce
electronic devices to children in a responsible way. No first grader needs a cell phone. Kids should not have cell phones prior to
middle school and even then, they need to have phones with parental controls. Parents of high school kids need to have
access to their electronic devices.
2. Don’t use
electronics as baby sitters. When my
children were little, it was often tempting to allow the TV to be my
babysitter. Now, I will see parents give
a fussy toddler a cell phone with a video or game on it. Kids under the age of 5 know what an app is
and how to fire the angry birds. Yes, it
is easier to give children devices to keep them entertained, but then how will
they ever learn to manage their own emotions?
Their feelings (anger, frustration, and fear) are dulled by the digital
pacifier. This will come back to haunt
parents and children in time.
3. When kids
begin using computers, maintain parental controls. The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it is
also a very scary place. Parents must be
involved and aware of their kids’ online activity. No child or adolescent should have a Twitter,
Facebook, Pinterest, or any other social media account that a parent cannot
access.
4. Limit the
amount of time children and adolescents are permitted to use electronic
devices. Get them outside. Play with them. Introduce them to nature. Take them hiking. Take them biking. Take them horseback riding. Breathe fresh air. Climb mountains. Make a snowman. Take them skiing. Take them snow shoeing. Sit on a hill or a beach. Watch a sunset.
5. Maintain
your boundaries. While this is true in
all areas of child rearing, it is particularly important when it comes to
electronics and social media. Educate
yourself as a parent. Know what is
healthy, set the boundaries clearly, and then hold to them . . . even when it’s
tough!
6. Lead by
example. Set boundaries for yourself and
the other adults in your home. When it
is family time, put the electronics down.
Don’t be attached to your phone.
Don’t have your tablet at the dinner table. Do show your children and adolescents that
you can check your email, update your status, tweet an inspirational quote, and
pin a recipe without spending three hours on a device.
