Is it the Cheese's Fault?

A few months ago, I was sitting in a local restaurant with my family and friends after a long day of working at our horse back riding stable.  Everyone was a little on edge because we were hungry and tired.  We placed our order and began waiting as patiently as we could, which is often a struggle for my stepson who is mastering life with ADHD.  He ordered a cheese pizza.  When the food finally came, he began to grab his pizza as my husband said, "that is hot!"  Nevertheless, he took a big bite and immediately spit it out and dropped the piece of pizza, exclaiming, "That burned my mouth!"  My husband said, "I told you it was hot."  My stepson replied, "it's not my fault!"  When asked whose fault it was, he replied in a grave manner, "It's the cheeses's fault!"  My husband then began to speak, but just got up and left the table.  He returned a few minutes later, having a very red face but a much calmer demeanor.  He then talked through the situation with his son . . . and it went well.  He actually took responsibility for burning his own mouth after thinking about how cheese really can't be at fault.  We ended up laughing about it, but it also got me thinking.  

As I spend each day working with young adults who are trying to become truly independent, this is a common theme.  They have a hard time accepting responsibility for themselves.  They can always find someone or something external to blame for their failures, while they will happily accept credit for all successes.  As I'm riding my horse (my most mindful time), I contemplate this issue.  I have arrived at some conclusions I thought I would share. 

Social Media makes it easier for adolescents and young adults to NOT be accountable for their actions. Bullies have been around as long as humans, but in the past 5-10 years, bullying has become a major problem.  I think that being able to hide behind Facebook and Twitter makes it much easier to say mean things about others.  When I was little, I couldn't communicate with my friends and classmates unless I actually talked to them, either face to face or via telephone.  I didn't have a cell phone.  I didn't have constant connectivity via social media.  If I was upset with someone, I either had to deal with it in person or choose to get over it.  Now, kids can say bad things about each other without ever having direct contact with the target.  They can post negative and mean things on Facebook and Twitter that they probably would never say in person.  

I also worry about texting.  If I didn’t text, I'm not sure I would be able to communicate with my adult children, ages 24 and 19.  They text all the time.... so, I text back.  I've been very blessed with two wonderful and healthy kids, but I still worry about how they manage entire relationships via text message.  There is no way to judge tone of voice or see body language, so as far as I’m concerned, texting is only partial communication. 

So many of the young adults I work with are unable to self-manage their electronics – phones, computers, tablets, etc.  They will get caught up in their online lives and activities to the point that they are unable to engage in their real lives.  For many, it is much easier to relate to and communicate with others through some type of electronic device.  There is no pressure to look a certain way or to wear certain clothes.  As Brad Paisley sings, “I’m so much cooler online.”

I believe that texting and social media are good additions to our communication repertoire.  They are useful tools, and it is important to teach our children how to use them in a healthy and balanced way.  So…..how do we do this?

In my daily life at the horseback riding stable, I get the privilege of providing opportunities for kids of all ages to get away from their urban-based lifestyles and experience the barn.  It’s so interesting to watch as kids come to the barn and immediately begin touching everything . . . the horses, the cats, the dogs, the barn itself, the hitching post.  It’s almost like they are starving for tactile stimulation.  And they get DIRTY!  Most parents who bring their kids to the barn are okay with them enjoying all of the gifts of the barn.  They don’t show up with iPhones or iPads to keep the kids busy.  The kids are completely engulfed in the natural environment.  They come to life while they are there and hate to leave. 

If the key is to help our kids have more balanced lives, how do we do it?

Here’s my advice:

1.     Introduce electronic devices to children in a responsible way.  No first grader needs a cell phone.  Kids should not have cell phones prior to middle school and even then, they need to have phones with parental controls.  Parents of high school kids need to have access to their electronic devices. 

2.     Don’t use electronics as baby sitters.  When my children were little, it was often tempting to allow the TV to be my babysitter.  Now, I will see parents give a fussy toddler a cell phone with a video or game on it.  Kids under the age of 5 know what an app is and how to fire the angry birds.  Yes, it is easier to give children devices to keep them entertained, but then how will they ever learn to manage their own emotions?  Their feelings (anger, frustration, and fear) are dulled by the digital pacifier.  This will come back to haunt parents and children in time. 

3.     When kids begin using computers, maintain parental controls.  The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it is also a very scary place.  Parents must be involved and aware of their kids’ online activity.  No child or adolescent should have a Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, or any other social media account that a parent cannot access.

4.     Limit the amount of time children and adolescents are permitted to use electronic devices.  Get them outside.  Play with them.  Introduce them to nature.  Take them hiking.  Take them biking.  Take them horseback riding.  Breathe fresh air.  Climb mountains.  Make a snowman.  Take them skiing.  Take them snow shoeing.  Sit on a hill or a beach.  Watch a sunset.

5.     Maintain your boundaries.  While this is true in all areas of child rearing, it is particularly important when it comes to electronics and social media.  Educate yourself as a parent.  Know what is healthy, set the boundaries clearly, and then hold to them . . . even when it’s tough! 

6.     Lead by example.  Set boundaries for yourself and the other adults in your home.  When it is family time, put the electronics down.  Don’t be attached to your phone.  Don’t have your tablet at the dinner table.  Do show your children and adolescents that you can check your email, update your status, tweet an inspirational quote, and pin a recipe without spending three hours on a device. 

Social Media, email, texting and the devices that support these activities can be integrated into a healthy and balanced life.  It takes effort to make this happen.  Don’t be afraid of the work…put in the effort….be a parent because it is not the cheese’s fault.

Karma Makes Me Paranoid

While working with the clients enrolled in the Q&A family of programs, we are blessed to encounter some incredible young adults about to embark on their lives.  Each client truly does become a member of our extended family, making it bittersweet when they are ready to leave us behind and become leaders of the next generation.

One of our recent graduates spent almost two years with us and in that time, he inadvertently spewed some incredibly sage advice and observations.  My favorite is the title of this blog:  Karma makes me paranoid.  He said this once during his stay with us, but it became our mantra!  It also became a t-shirt that we gave him for his birthday.  What an amazing statement!  While our clients are with us, we work hard to help them understand empathy and how important it really is to listen . . . actively listen.  It's a simple act, but it is so difficult for most of us!  We all listen with filters; we can't help that!  The filters are based on our experiences and our individual belief systems.  However, if we can include empathy in our listening, we can not only hear the story being told, but we can truly be open to the other person's experiences and beliefs.  And you know what, that can help us become better people.

In the world of therapeutic programs, karma is often thrown into discussions and program models.  I think that sometimes it is overused, which causes it to lose it's mysticism and by default, its effectiveness.  The definition of karma in Hinduism and Buddhism is the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence.  It is also considered a person's destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.  What does all that mean?  It's really simple:  You get what you give.  When I was younger, I don't think I really understood this concept.  As is the case with most young adults, I was focused on my more immediate needs . . . instant gratification.  I couldn't wait for all those important milestones in life - turning 16 and driving, registering to vote, being legal to drink, going to college, getting married, having children . . . and on and on.  However, I had to gain some years of living and experience to truly understand that what I give is what I get.  And in my mind, that is Karma.  

Looking back, it is easy to see (hindsight being 20/20 and all) that every time in my life when I have put others' needs before my own and focused on the positive, I have gotten exactly what I wanted and needed, no less and no more.  During the times of being selfish and struggling to force my life to be what I wanted it to be, I never got what I wanted.  However, I did get what I needed!  Believe me, in those moments, I didn't know I got what I needed and I certainly spent a lot of time being angry and resentful!  However, each time, my attitude was shifted by something greater than me, and each time, I ended up with exactly what I needed in that moment.  

As is the case with most life lessons, I can trace this one back to my very wise grandmother Arg . . . .Treat others the way you want to be treated.  If we live by this rule, we will not have to wonder how our actions are going to effect us. Karma will not make us paranoid!

Equine Assisted Learning

This "Musing" is by guest blogger, Keith Bishop, Director of Operations at Q&A Associates.  We work with young adults and their families and the similarities between that mission and working with horses is amazing.  It is definitely a graceful dance and we learn something new everyday!!  Thanks, Keith for a great post!

            Equine Assisted Learning at Timberline Stables

As clients enroll in a Q&A program, we treat them as adults, with the ultimate goal to launch them into independence.  However, independence will never be achieved if we consistently put controls on what choices they can make.

Learning how to work with the clients and guide them is much like working with our horses.  Angie (our CEO) and her husband Matt teach the clients that their energy and attitude affect the horse instantly, and you can’t put your map on the horse.  Many people get on the horse and immediately pull back hard on the reigns in an effort to keep the horse under “control,” an interesting reaction when the horse has just allowed the rider to climb on its back without jumping or bucking.  The rider is trying to exert control when there is no need to control anything.  Pulling on the reigns when riding a horse actually tells the horse to stop or back up, neither of which are good choices when you are trying to ride a horse forward!

Buck Brannaman, a very gifted horseman and human being, helps people learn to ride better by teaching them that control is really about pressure, and the more pressure you use, the less the horse will respond which actually reduces the amount of control the rider has.  If the pressure becomes too great, the horse will actually misbehave and act out to escape the pressure.

Working with young adults and their families parallels working with horses.  The fight or flight instinct of the horse is engaged as soon as the rider gets on and tries to control the horse.  The rider is not working with the horse, he is trying to control the horse and eventually, the result will be an ill-mannered horse and a frustrated rider.  Taking the control mechanism out of the learning process and choosing to walk along beside the client produces greater, more authentic gains.  As adults, their outcomes are based on their choices and the more we can allow them to experience and try, the more wisdom and insight they will gain.  Parents have to allow their children to grow safely, without having all the controls.  Yes, there will be mistakes, but that is where growth and wisdom come from.  None of us can be successful and happy all the time.  Failure is inevitable, and if we can learn from the failures and the successes, our lives will be richer and fuller.

I'm blessed to live in a community that values sustainability and environmental resources, and I'm grateful for that.  I have also decided that I can contribute to the effort in a personal way.  By 4:00 AM every morning, I'm sure I can heat the entire county!  I've never liked sleeping in warm rooms; I prefer to have a cool room with cozy covers.  That has always helped me sleep sound and comfortable.  However, over the past few years, I have developed a new sleep process.  I still go to sleep in a cool room with cozy covers, but something happens during the night and my internal heater gets stuck on high.  By 4:00 AM, I'm awake and ON FIRE!!!  So, as I lay awake last night pondering this phenomena, I decided I can contribute to the local community by capturing my internal heat and sharing it with folks who may be struggling to pay their heating bills.  Good idea, huh??

How is it that I went to sleep one night a 20 something year old young adult and woke up in my 40s and ON FIRE??  I ponder this question often and consider the timeline of life.  It is indeed ironic.  When I was in my 20s and my mom was in her 40s, I knew she was a young mom compared to some of my friends' moms, but she was still "middle aged" and I couldn't really see myself in her shoes.  Guess what, I am there!  And guess what else, my mom is 65 and I still think she is a young mom!!  My daughter is now 24; I'm 46; my mom is 65.  We ARE the timeline and I'm right in the middle of it.  The realizations are daily and impactful, and important to my job.

I work with young adults struggling to launch into their own lives.  It often feels surreal to see my clients working through their fears and insecurities while I'm coaching their parents to allow their young adults to truly be young adults - and work through their fears and insecurities!  It is indeed a dance.  Since I am the parent of a 19 year old and a 24 year old, I'm enjoying the dance myself.  I truly love my job and I'm constantly learning.  I intend to use this Blog as a vehicle to share some of these lessons with whomever is brave enough explore A Musing or Two by Angie.

Lesson Number 1:  If you happen to fall into the category of divorced parent, you must always put the child or children of the union first.  NO MATTER WHAT.  Easy?  No.  It takes effort and usually more effort is put in by one parent.  It is almost impossible to find two parents who put the kids first and swallow their own pride, hurt feelings, regrets, and resentments.  But honestly, that is the only way kids of divorce can be healthy.  That means never, ever, ever bad mouthing the other parent regardless of what he or she has done.  That also means making decisions based on what is best for the kids, not on what is best for you or on what you really want.  For example, when Christmas rolls around, don't use it as a weapon against your ex . . . allow the kids to have some say in where they go and when.  Be supportive and loving and above all, respectful.  In fact, this is a good time for my one rule of life . . . RESPECT.  If we always respect ourselves, we will not disrespect others because that is, by default, disrespecting ourselves.  So, if you are struggling through the emotions of divorce, no matter how long ago the union ended, remember that while you may have to swallow a lot of bitter pills - and spend a few Christmas mornings without your child - you will be a better person for it and your child will grow to respect you and your ability to have self-control and put his worth and health above your own.